Joke of the day

"Romney proves with a little hard work and a little luck, even a multimillionaire white guy from Harvard can succeed in this country." —Jay Leno from "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno"

Bill Maher on the Republican's view of President Obama

"It isn't the entree' they don't like. It's the waiter." --Bill Maher on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno", Sept. 9, 2011

The inevitable: ObL jokes

"It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan:  'Yes I Did'."  --Jay Leno

"I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be:  'Wait, I forgot...Did you kill Osama bin Laden?  Or did I kill Osama bin Laden?  Oh, no it was me, wasn't it?'"  --Craig Ferguson

"Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face.

It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved."  --Jay Leno

Links:  http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/osamabinladen/a/Osama-Bin-Laden-Jokes.htm
http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/osamabinladen/a/Osama-Bin-Laden-Jokes.htm

The week's best late-night jokes

"The Pentagon held a press-conference about the military operation in Libya.  They're calling it 'Odyssey Dawn.' I believe it's the first military operation named after a stripper."  --David Letterman

"House Speaker John Boehner says President Obama should have clearly outlined his exact plans before bombing Libya.  Apparently it's only Iraq where you don't have to do that."  --Jay Leno

"Odyssey Dawn?  You're really going to name a combat operation after a 'Yes' album?"  --Jon Stewart

"Odyssey Dawn?  That's not a military operation.  That's a Carnival Cruise ship."  --Stephen Colbert

"It's the first military action ever to be named by Crabtree & Evelyn."  --Conan O'Brien

"We're fighting three wars now.  Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama HADN'T won the Nobel Peace Prize!"  --Jay Leno

There's wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and now Libya.  You're heard the expression, 'theater of war'?  This is a multiplex!"  --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin visited Israel.  As if the Jews haven't suffered enough."  --Jay Leno

"If Bachmann and Palin get in, that's two bimbos.  And then there's Mitt Romney, the millionaire and Newt Gingrich, a professor.  We just need a skipper and a buddy and we've got 'Gilligan's Island.'"  --Bill Maher

"Remember when President Obama said we can't fight two wars and vowed to change our policy?  Well, he did.  Now we're fighting THREE wars."  --Jay Leno

"And aren't we out of money?  You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND Tomahawk missiles."  --Jon Stewart

Have a great weekend, y'all.

Link:  http://politicalhumor.about.com/b/2011/03/27/the-weeks-best-late-night-jokes-116.htm

Quote of the day--it's all agin' us

"It's a shitty world and the fix is in. The drinks are watered, the decks are stacked and the laws are cobwebs for the rich and chains for the poor. You can eat all you want, but that's because they know you'll just fill up on bread. The House always wins and democracy means you get to choose between two straight male protestant businessmen who went to school together. Meanwhile the oil rigs explode and the wars go on and the taxpayers pay the bankers' bonuses because a contract's a contract. In sæculum, et in sæculum sæculi. Like the Jerk said, it's a profit deal, and anyone who tells you different is either protecting you or they don't know what they're talking about." And get this--it's actually from a comedian, writing comedy. I love this guy. Link to original post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/chris-kelly/i-love-america-because-no_b_635696.html

Read these and tell me Glenn Beck isn't either insane or stupid

All quotes from and by Glenn "I'm a rocket scientist" Beck:

''The most used phrase in my administration if I were to be President would be 'What the hell you mean we're out of missiles?''' —Jan. 2009

''I could give a flying crap about the political process ... We're an entertainment company.'' —Forbes interview; April, 2010

''I am not saying that Barack Obama is a fascist. If I'm not mistaken, in the early days of Adolf Hitler, they were very happy to line up for help there as well. I mean, the companies were like, 'Hey, wait a minute. We can get, you know, we can get out of trouble here. They can help, et cetera, et cetera.''' —comparing government bailouts of auto companies to actions of German companies during the rise of Hitler, Fox News' Glenn Beck show, April 1, 2009

''You have three people in the White House that are in love with eugenics or whatever it is you would call it today. ... Please dear God, read history. Please dear God read the truth of what these people have said in their own words, and ask yourself this one question: Do you trust these people enough to give them control over who lives and who dies? Because that's what health care is when you have no other choice but to go to the state.''—comparing health care reform to Nazi eugenics

''Finally -- well, he wasn't the president. He was the chancellor, Hitler, decided that it was the only empathetic thing to do, is to put this child down and put him out of his suffering. It was the beginning of the T4, which led to genocide everywhere. It was the beginning of it. Empathy leads you to very bad decisions many times.'' —on President Obama's statement that he would consider ''empathy'' in choosing a Supreme Court nominee, Fox News' Glenn Beck show, May 26, 2009

Glenn, go look up "empathy" in a dictionary, will you?

''Advocating through art is known as propaganda. You should look up the name Goebbels.'' —on the National Endowment for the Arts, Fox News's Glenn Beck show, Nov. 3, 2009

"This is not comparing these people to the people in Germany, but this is exactly what happened to the lead-up with Hitler. Hitler opened up the door and said, 'Hey, companies, I can help you.' They all ran through the door. And then in the end, they all saw, 'Uh-oh. I'm in bed with the devil.' They started to take their foot out, and Hitler said, 'Absolutely not. Sorry, gang. This is good for the country. We've got to do these things.' And it was too late." —on the government's Troubled Asset Relief Program, which Republican Geo. W. Bush & Co. created, FOX Business interview, April 21, 2009

"So here you have Barack Obama going in and spending the money on embryonic stem cell research. ... Eugenics. In case you don't know what Eugenics led us to: the Final Solution. A master race! A perfect person. ... The stuff that we are facing is absolutely frightening." -on his radio show, March 9, 2009

"Al Gore's not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It is the same tactic, however. The goal is different. The goal is globalization...And you must silence all dissenting voices. That's what Hitler did. That's what Al Gore, the U.N., and everybody on the global warming bandwagon [are doing]." —on his radio show, May 1, 2007

"I have been nervous about this interview with you because what I feel like saying is, 'Sir, prove to me that you are not working with our enemies. ... And I know you're not. I'm not accusing you of being an enemy, but that's the way I feel, and I think a lot of Americans will feel that way." —interviewing Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN), the first Muslim U.S. congressman, Glen Beck's show on CNN's Headline News, Nov. 14, 2006

"I want a chastity belt on this man. I want his every move watched in Washington. I don't trust this guy...This one could end with a dead intern. I'm just saying, it could end with a dead intern!" —on Sen. Scott Brown saying his daughters are "available" during his election victory speech

"The only [Katrina victims] we're seeing on television are the scumbags." —on his radio show, Sept. 9, 2005

See, Glenn? That was sarcasm and cynicism, both. You'll still have to work on that empathy thing.

"When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, 'Oh shut up' I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining." —on his radio show, Sept. 9, 2005

Still not empathetic.

"Roosevelt...Am I wrong by saying there was a good portion of people that thought, 'Holy cow, I'm glad he's dead. He was turning into a dictator.'"
—on FDR, who was wildly popular after being elected four times, bringing America back from economic collapse, and leading the Allied powers to victory in World War II (May 21, 2010)

Yes, Glenn, you're wrong.

"Because if you are a white human that loves America and happens to be a Christian, forget about it, Jack." —whining about how everyone hates him, April 2, 2007

"I went to the movie this weekend with a gun. And surprise, surprise, I didn't kill anybody!" —Glenn Beck

"You can get rich making fun of me. I know. I've made lots of money making fun of me." -GB

You must mean by quoting things like this:

"You know, we all have our inner demons. I, for one — I can't speak for you, but I'm on the verge of moral collapse at any time. It can happen by the end of the show." —on his radio show, Nov. 6, 2006

Saving the best--and the only thing I can agree with out of his mouth--for last:

"I say on the air all time, 'if you take what I say as gospel, you're an idiot." —New York Times, March 29, 2009

For yet more from G. Beck, either for an education on his ignorance or for a laugh (or cry), go here:
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/bl-glenn-beck-quotes.htm?PS=637%3A1

What good is a bunch of kooks if you can't get some laughs out of them?

"What a day for the Tea Party people. Did you see that? America's parks and fairgrounds were lost in a sea of man-boobs. They were venting their anger and rage against taxes, which, of course, in most cases for them went down. Protesting their taxes went down — but you know, why let the truth spoil a perfectly good Klan rally." —Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher

"Well, tomorrow in Nashville, Sarah Palin will speak at the Tea Party Convention. Tickets are $550 apiece. Where are they getting this tea, Starbucks?" —Jay Leno, The Tonight Show

"The Tea Party nation announced last week that Sarah Palin will headline what is being called the first national Tea Party convention in February. It is expected to be the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs." —Seth Meyers, Saturday Night Live

"At a Tea Party rally in Boston yesterday, Sarah Palin praised the crowd for winning that Senate race in Massachusetts. She said: 'Shoot, look at what you did in January. You shook up the United States Senate.' Unfortunately, no one heard the Senate thing, because after she said 'shoot,' 300 guns went off." —Jimmy Fallon, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

"Federal taxes last year when down for 98 percent of people, but when asked about this, only 12 percent of the Teabaggers thought this was the case. 88 percent of them had it wrong. And a spokesman for the Teabaggers said, 'We don't want to just be taxed less. We want to be taxed less by a white guy." —Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher

Link to original post:
http://politicalhumor.about.com/b/2010/05/19/tea-party-jokes.htm